“When little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, it is our job to share our calm, not join their chaos.” -L.R. Knost
As Special Educators, we are constantly finding ways to be proactive and get ahead of what could potentially lead to extreme behaviors. As much as we try to stay ahead of it, it is undeniable that sometimes we cannot. Over the years, I have worked closely with students and teachers to find the best way to approach students after extreme behaviors.
CONVERSATION STEPS
*First and foremost: Make sure the child’s agitation level is down and he/she is not still in a vulnerable state. This is the most important part- if the conversation happens too soon, it will be a trigger and lead to more behaviors.
When approaching this situation, the goal is to have a meaningful conversation with the child. This means your approach should be non judgmental, your body language should be inviting, and your tone should be calm and soothing. This is not a time for reprimanding. Empathy and understanding must be shown regardless of the teacher’s stance, allowing the child to honestly share how they feel and take in what you are saying.
When you see that the child has calmed down, pull the child aside and ask if they are ready to discuss what happened. This can also be phrased from an observational stand point “it looks like you are ready to talk to me, let’s go chat!”. Use your best judgement when determining the appropriate time to have this conversation. It does not have to be immediately following the event, but it should be before the end of the day.
Allow the child to explain their side first. This is just the listening portion! When the child has finished explaining what happened and how they felt, be understanding and supportive to not minimize their feelings. Some ways you can do this:
Ask open ended questions- “Can you tell me what happened?”, “What lead you to feel this way?”, etc.
Repeat what they said with understanding- “You got upset because your hand was raised and you weren’t called on, I can completely see how that could be frustrating.”
Use body language/nonverbal cues to demonstrate understanding. Sometimes all it takes is a smile and a nod to show you understand what the child is communicating.
When the child has finished explaining their side and you have actively listened and sympathized with them, it’s then your turn. Now is the time to respond, keeping in mind their perspective but offering ways to change the behavior in the future.
Reiterate that you understand their feelings and explain why the behaviors that happened are not appropriate- “So, I completely understand how you not getting called on can be extremely frustrating, I have felt that way many times, however, do you see how throwing papers and knocking over chairs can be distracting and dangerous to those around you?”
Give other ways to handle these behaviors appropriately in the future (e.g., Raising hand and telling teacher, requesting a break, breathing, walking away, etc)- “Next time, how about we try to take a few deep breaths and let your teacher know you need a break.”
Practice - “Let’s try it now! Pretend i’m the teacher who is not calling on you. How can we respond in a different way?”
End on a positive: “thank you for listening!”, “I know it’s hard sometimes but you can do it!”, etc.